Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Want to Run from Marriage? Here are 3 Reasons Why You Can Stay

My husband and I at our friends' wedding,
reminiscing our own 'l do's'.
Last Sunday, I sang in a wedding. I sang the song which I took a dislike on while in college and boys would sing it to me while I passed by-- "We'll build a house, Zernah Faith..." just to tease me. Yeah, you must have heard of that song, Household of Faith. (If not, here's my little sis and her husband on their wedding day singing so divinely.) It's a beautiful wedding song for couples and today, just as last Sunday, I feel blessed for the privilege of singing it for my friends who are starting their lives as husband and wife together. I pray for them many perfect moments with the Lord, as they grow together in love.

But weddings don't tell us the real score in marriage. Weddings look so heavenly; marriage is hard. Weddings are filled with fun, tender moments; marriage with mundane, challenging and lonely times.

And yet, marriage is wonderful. It is one of the most wonderful gifts of God. It gets so much out of us and gives us back the deepest and fullest there is in this life that, we, humans could ever know. 

Having a spouse is a blessing. Didn't the scriptures say so? (Look up Proverbs 18:22). It is so sad, though, that many don't feel happy with their spouses and are ready to put on their running shoes and call their marriage quits.

Years ago, even a few months ago, giving up on my marriage would have never crossed my mind. But the conflicts at the home front had intensified, and then grown cold, that I felt so helpless and hopeless. I thought, wouldn't it be easier to simply give up? Why am I still here?

I was ready to put on my running shoes, well, actually, any shoes as long as it gets me far, far, far away. But like the many times in my life, even if I've been to places, the farthest I got was at Jesus' feet. I couldn't help but be on my knees groaning my heart out to Him with all it's ugly, sad contents. Maybe, just maybe, one more prayer would help? Not that I haven't prayed enough for my husband and I, our marriage and family. But, my, was I desperate!

So this time, while mentally at the door ready to bolt, I slowed down, unlaced my running shoes and put on my praying gloves. I cried my heart out to God. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask, 'Why me?' when so many women, and men, go through the same agony of struggling in their marriages, scared of seeing it break to pieces, but yet wanting the hurt of a ripped heart come to an end. So I asked, "Now what, Lord? What can YOU do for us? We are hurting. We need you." I must have screamed the last part in my mind, so great was my anguish.

These problems do not come overnight. They build up in countless moments when spouses disregard each other's interests, ignore each other's efforts, neglect each other's needs and withdraw from each other. As one friend said, "I've never felt so alone in my life than I am now, " and she had just been married  for a year when she said that! When this is true in a marriage, why stay? So many have strayed, so many have left. Why stay?

Why Caleb stayed...

Let me tell you Caleb's story (Numbers 13, 14). He was one of the twelve spies sent by Moses to search out the land of Canaan as instructed by God. When the spies came back, Caleb found himself on the opposite side of popular opinion. He was so unpopular that the people even wanted to get rid of him by stoning him. God intervened and alluded Caleb for standing on the truth-- we, God and us, can! But for the rest of Caleb's people, the Israelites, God didn't allow those in his generation to enter the Promised Land.

Caleb could have gone ahead. But he stayed. He stayed with God and His faulty people. What was his reason to stay? I don't know. All I know is he stayed and allowed God to work for him and in him.


Here's why we, too, can stay.

1. Stay with God. You can run, but there's a better way-- run to Jesus. I was born a rebel at heart. I find it so hard to conform, except to my own yardstick. My poor parents had a hard time bringing me up from the time I was conceived, to the time I was born, to my toddler years and onwards. It was a constant butting of heads over what I wanted and what they thought was right. My parents were good Christians and wanted only the best for me. But I wanted to know for myself what was best for me. And so one day, I came to the decision to do my own thing. I decided to leave without telling them about my decision. I couldn't allow them to dissuade me. Fortunately for me, I decided to become a missionary. And every time I find myself in a desperate situation, gasping for breath, not knowing what to do but wanting so much to simply run, I go to Jesus.

Caleb stayed when he could have left on his own and claim God's promise for His people. But he didn't. He stayed. He knew how imperfect his people were, but he stayed. He stayed knowing God was with Him.

2. Stay true to your calling (as a wife and/or as a mother). The first part of 1 Corinthians chapter 7 talks about marriage, and urges people to stay in their calling: if single, single; if married, to stay married. It is not a commandment, but a strong suggestion to live as we are called. "Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called" (v. 20).

Caleb stayed true to his calling and taught the next generation to live boldly for God, preparing them for the Promised Land. Is it wrong to stay for the sake of the children? Is there a more better alternative than to live with the children you love and the husband/wife you vowed to love? If anything, there is no better way to do life than with them.


Maya Angelou wrote: "If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning Good Morning at total strangers." Give the best of your life to the people within your sphere and in so doing, glorify God.


Caleb helped educate the next generation and got to see them enter the Promised Land. In fact, his son-in-law became the first judge of Israel at the time when they had no human king and God was their king. What a sense of fulfillment Caleb must have felt to see all that happen! He must have been glad he stayed.


3. Stay because God is faithful. Whatever good we do here on earth stems from the Source of all goodness. God alone is good (Mark 10:18). We can stay in our imperfect marriages because God is faithful to His promises to us. In marriage, He is perfecting us. The apostle Paul was so sure of this. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6)

And whatever bad (mistakes or intentional deeds) we have done in our marriage can be forgiven. God faithfully forgives as we forgive. Move on. Move forward. "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14), Paul said despite going through all kinds of hardships. And we can do that, too, despite marriage being hard- with us being so hard to forgive and so unforgiving. We can with God.


I wrote a song for my husband's and my wedding and I especially love this part--- "This vow I take God is faithful to help me keep, as He keeps us by His side. Until the day we'll be with Him together in the sky." Yes, God is faithful. He will help us keep our promise, just as He wants to keep us by His side.


In the latter part, when Caleb and his people were receiving their inheritance of the Promised Land, he took on the challenge of taking an area called Hebron, which was inhabited by giants. Time and physical changes didn't diminish his trust in God. Marriage, I believe, is bigger than the giants Caleb took on the job of chasing. Let us not allow time, physical and emotional deficiency to erode our trust in God. Don't trust feelings, trust God.

Even if...

In our struggles in our marriage, I know God has a purpose for it all. I'm staying to see what He has up in His sleeve and what would happen. I don't want to wonder with the question 'what if'. In my prayers for my marriage, I want to say 'even if', just as those three Hebrew men told Nebuchadnezzar the king, even with the threat of a fiery death. 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But (even) if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up” (Daniel 3:16, 17, 18).


I'm staying with God even if I go through the fiery trial of my imperfect marriage. I'm staying for I know Him to be faithful. I will keep on serving Him and the people within my sphere even if He won't save me from my marriage, for I know that He saves me.


Who knows if God is using our marriage as the tool to shape us up into the bride that we will be when we meet Him as our Bridegroom.

As I hope and pray for my friends' marriage, I also hope and pray for God to keep both my husband and I by His side. And if we have been neglectful in building a 'household of faith', now is the time to do so. Not because our tenth anniversary is coming up, but because it's the only house that will withstand the storms in this life. I know it's never too late to build once again this marriage on the sure foundation of Jesus. With faith, I am hoping for my husband and I to keep growing together in love. God with us, we are able. We can stay.

Here are some verses to encourage us to withstand the fiery trials in marriage...


And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)


What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)


So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)


Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:12, 13)


Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)






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Sunday, July 12, 2015

One Marriage Advice

source

Recently I watched a video of Anita Renfroe, a Christian comedian, on marriage. I try to laugh even once in a day, and that particular day was especially hard for me, hence, the video watching. It was titled Marriage: It's Okay to Laugh About It. She mentioned the movie Avatar and how the blue people in that movie have no word for 'love' in their language but only say "I SEE you" when they meant to say "I love you".

We need connection for our marriages to work--- a connection that 'sees' us not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually, as well. However, many couples think that if they connect really well physically (even if not emotionally) they are going to be okay. But what we miss is that, physical connection often fills the need of the husband, but not the wife. Wives need emotional connection primarily. But even if that need is filled, there is still something lacking in the relationship. Because...

Marriage is spiritual. It is an institution authored by a spiritual being: God. When we commit to it, we are doing something spiritual. The act of signing a marriage contract may be physical as it shows a physical evidence, and the act of going through a wedding ceremony may be emotional, but the exchanging of vows to each other in front of people and before God is spiritual.

God takes swearing an oath or making a vow to Him seriously. It is said in Psalm 15 that only those who swear even to his own hurt and does not change will abide with Him and "dwell in (His) holy hill". And it's only the beginning.

The day-to-day act of marriage is connection between two different people physically, emotionally and spiritually. But in the hustle-bustle of life, that connection gets frayed and lost. Some lost it physically, others, emotionally, and still many more couples lost it spiritually, if they ever had it in the first place.

Here's the problem. We look at our spouses. We see him/her and his/her flaws and imperfections. For most of us, we look superficially. But even if we dig deeper, we see differences that grate on our nerves--- backgrounds, choices, lifestyle, habits, hobbies, etc. and we get all stressed out. We are physical beings. We are also emotional beings. But spiritual beings? We need more than ourselves to look at and see.

We need something bigger for our marriages to work for us. Helen Weaver travelled around the globe, interviewing happy couples. And in her book the Happy Wives Club, she wrote, "Just because you are faithful to church doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage. But I can’t help but see a correlation between all the couples I’ve interviewed. They all have a healthy fear of God. They have a strong belief in a power much greater than their own, and they rely on that power in times of weakness and times of strength."

And so, if there's one marriage advice I would give, it is this: Stop merely looking at each other! Look  to Jesus, and make it a goal to be like Him.

Goal-setting is one key ingredient to a successful marriage. It makes the couple work as a team, opening doors to understanding their partner through their dreams and desires, and keeps them together during challenging times. Goals connect spouses to each other.

Our marriage are only as good as our goals. That's why we have to be careful with symbols. They may lift up your status but not really fill up your marriage. A big house doesn't outright translate into a happy home. Neither is a fancy car nor lots of cash to spend. Though they may fill a need, they can easily distract couples from working on the most important ones.

It is said in 2 Corinthians 4:18, "While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

We need to set goals for a healthy, happy marriage and see if we won't be happy we did. We will not only benefit from it but our children as well. Research has now shown that "the quality of the parents’ relationship with each other can affect (i.e. increase, decrease) an adolescent’s health risk behaviors, and may be more powerful than just marital status".

As the Bible has said, "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1, 2)

For our marriages to work, we need to have philia love, a love that fills our emotional needs. But we also need eros, one that fills our physical needs. Most of all, we need agape, a love that transcends us, and for each spouse to set a goal to love like Jesus. Because... as I have already said, marriage is spiritual--- a gift from God.

We were created to connect with our Maker and married to connect with each other. And as we got married, let us not forget that, first and foremost, we need to be connected within us by being connected to our Creator. Only by doing so can we truly "see" each other--- seeing beyond the physical.

Maybe then, we will know what it means to say, "I see you!"





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Friday, July 3, 2015

Russian Mis-Adventures

Dancing barefoot in a patch of grass in the middle of the city...
I have been told several times that I must be brave for coming to a place without any knowledge about the language people speak.

I don't think I'm brave. Just plain adventurous. And... not so wise for being unprepared.

Being unprepared has set me up to plenty of mishaps.

I also must be a little crazy to do this to myself. But then, hey, it's fun after the stress is gone.

Nora Ephron wrote in her witty, funny book I Feel Bad About My Neck, "When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it's your laugh." So today I want to have a laugh. It's okay, you can laugh at me as I laugh at myself.

Here are some of my 'misadventures' as I foray into the Russian language.


Eggs


One afternoon, I opened the refrigerator door to see what I could whip up for dinner. I had an idea of what I wanted but it would need some eggs. Looking at the empty egg rack, I surmised that I had to run to the store fast before my people starts coming through the door or the baby wakes up making it harder for me to prepare dinner. Obviously, laying an egg is not one of my abilities.

I hurried out of the door, semi-running my way to the nearest grocer in our area. The shop was just a small store and only has one shopkeeper. Some things are kept out of the display area because of lack of space so customers most often need the shopkeeper's help to get what they wanted.

While walking, I realized that I might need to speak in Russian for that reason in order for me to get my eggs. I stopped in my tracks. Oh boy! I didn't know what the word 'egg' is in Russian!

I was thinking at that time whether to go back and look up the word from my Russian book or my phone, which I left behind in my hurry. I decided not to go back as time wouldn't allow it. So I just proceeded to the store.

When I got there, there was only one customer. Good, I didn't want a crowd to witness my embarrassment. I looked around hoping I'd spot eggs so I could only point and not speak. The shop was overflowing with goods and goodies. Even the counter where the cash register was, was all laden up with just about anything people need and want. But I didn't see any eggs on display.

The lady behind the counter asked me what I wanted. I said,

"Eggs."

She looked bewildered. Again I said,

"Eggs." But this time I curled my fingers forming a circle, as if I was holding an egg. (I was a poor student in sign language classes. I never learned anything.)

At that the lady understood that I was speaking a foreign language and told me that she could not understand what I was saying.

I said, "Eggs." Again. I made the round sign with my hand, and flapped my elbows. Too bad I didn't say, "Cluck cluck."

Light dawned in her eyes. I was relieved. I thought, That wasn't so bad.

Then she directed me to a freezer. Oh boy. I don't think eggs are kept in the freezer.

They're not. But chicken wings are.

I told the lady, "Nyet", and said again, "Egg", rounded my hand, flapped my elbows, and was about to turn my back to her and squat to show her the way hens lay eggs, when she said, "Ah! Yaitso!"

I whipped around to see her marching with a smile to the back of the store. For a few minutes I waited, knowing this time that I would get my eggs, even if I still had no idea what she said.

She came out with a bag filled with those round things. She hurriedly rang up the cash register, I paid and made my exit. I went home and tried to remember what 'egg' was in Russian, but only after I told my family and we all had fun laughing at me that they made sure I would never forget the word-- Yaitso! (I'm not clearly good with learning foreign languages either.)

And that, is how I learn my Russian as a foreign language. One Russian word at a time. Golden!


Come here and take this!


Then there was the time I told the bus driver while he was driving to 'come here!'

I was going home from work. It was past eight o'clock in the evening and it was chilly. I got in the first bus that would go pass my home.

I was feeling good with the warmth inside the bus. I watched as people get on and off it. While doing that, I tried to remember what I had to say when it would be approaching my bus stop so I won't have to miss it.

As the bus got closer to my destination, I got my fare ready. I stood up and handed my fare to the driver. I tried to say, "Here's my fare. Please take it." But instead I said something in Russian that means "Come here".

The driver ignored me. I tried extending my hand again and said, "Come here." For added measure or politeness, I said, "Please." I don't know if people were looking at me. They don't have to for me to feel really self-conscious and awkward at this time. I tried again. "Here. Come here."

Well, I'm glad to say that when I was getting off the bus others were too and they told the bus driver to stop the bus so I didn't need to speak anything in Russian. I don't think I would have been confident enough to speak anything, much more something Russian.

I paid my fare when others did. I couldn't get off the bus fast enough.

When I got home, I asked my son what the phrase "Please, take this" in Russian is, and found out my mistake. Instead of saying take this, I was asking the driver to come here! I am so glad he ignored me or we would have a problem getting anywhere!
Washing dishes is no chore when my boy does it. :)


Not so superhero


And... what does one do during emergencies when she does not know the language of the people? Use the internet.

One spring morning, while everybody was at work and I was home with a toddler getting ready for a walk with her to a nearby stream, I heard a strange sound so loud that I thought it must be something bursting in fire. I ran to the kitchen only to find, not fire, but water. It was flowing out from under the sink. I opened the door to the shelf under the sink and saw the source of the water. The pipes have burst. And those pipes were built inside the walls. I looked for an opening on the wall and found one. It was covered by a temporary covering. I tore it and I saw water bursting with so much force from a big pipe. I scrambled around for a towel to put inside the hole but the water was just too strong.

In minutes the kitchen floor was covered up with an inch of water and it was slowly seeping to the next rooms. I couldn't call my husband as he was away on a trip, so I called my mother in law. She was at work and cannot speak English.  I tried to explain to her the situation in my limited Russian. Vada. Ochen mnoga.

Thankfully, she understood me. She right away got on a taxi. In the mean time, I tried to wring the water out with a towel through the sink, then bail it out with a pail. When it was impossible, I tried to salvage some things from getting wet and damaged. Then I thought about asking help from the neighbors. Maybe one of them knows how to switch off the main control to the water.

I ran to my phone, googled 'help' in Russian and got 'pomoch'. So I told my little girl to wait by the door, as I hurried to our neighbor's apartment. I knocked on their door and called, "Pomoch! Pomoch!" Nobody opened it. I called and knocked again. Nothing.

So I ran to another door, knocked, yelled, "Pomoch! Pamoch!" No one came out.


I was going to run up to the next floor to do the same, but decided against it because my toddler was already scared and I couldn't leave her in the house with all those water flowing out. I had to do something about it. Obviously, nobody was home in any of these flats or they were and didn't want to respond.


Who could blame them? Some hero gone lunatic was running around, shouting if people need her help! Yes, I found out later that I wasn't asking for help but offering people help. The right word to say when asking for help is not pomoch but pomagite.

Anyway, the water problem got solved when a plumber came to fix the pipes up, and the water got cleaned up. But as a beginner of the Russian language, this experience (of learning how to ask for help and offer help) has helped me in many instances--- at the supermarket, at the park when I'm overloaded with the baby, the baby bag and the kids want me to get them some ice cream, counting out coins, and when the baby pram acts up.


Choose JOY


All of these 'adventures' weren't so funny at the moment they happened (although being me I could laugh myself out of an awkward situation), but now make my days whenever I remember them. All of these are reflections of God's wonderful sense of humor. All of these happened in a stressful time and all of these provided me many wonderful moments of mirth.

God said, "A happy heart is like a good medicine. But a broken spirit drains your strength" (Proverbs 17:22, NCV).

The recent days has seen my newsfeed flooded with disturbing and distressing news from around the world and even from friends. It would just be natural for me to allow myself to muddle around and be down on the dumps. However, I choose JOY. It is my intention to live happy and free, and to remember to laugh. Because those who forget to laugh, forget how to live and how to love.

We need to create an environment of joy. With such an environment, the bond of love is easy to find. This is where we thrive and not merely survive, truly live and not barely breathe.

When we laugh, we take in big gulps of life-giving air and give the sweetest music to the ear--- full of life and passion.

Laughing at ourselves elevates us from being victims. We take back control of an out-of-control situation. We become heroes.

Someone once said, "Happy is the woman who can laugh at herself, she will never cease to be amused."

Grab the opportunity to laugh today. It's God's weapon against worry, stress and fear. You can share with us some of your own 'adventures' in life by commenting below. (And thanks, someone might be needing a laugh today... and my 'adventures' may not be funny enough. Haha.)

As for me, my Russian misadventures would probably go on as I continue to learn the language. There's no giving up when one is having so much fun. And nothing beats fun. So, I'm still on board.





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